Misunderstandings occur between every kind of brain. Differences in literalness, tone, timing, facial expression, assumptions, and processing speed can increase them. A misunderstanding is not proof that either person is uncaring or irrational.
Separate intention, behavior, and impact
You may intend to provide useful information, behave by correcting a detail, and create an impact of embarrassment. Repair does not require pretending you intended harm. It requires recognizing that impact exists.
Use C.L.E.A.R.
C — Calm the paceStop adding arguments.
L — Listen for impactIdentify the central experience.
E — Explain intention brieflyDo not use it to cancel impact.
A — Acknowledge your partName the behavior.
R — Request or recommend a changeClarify how to handle it next time.
Repair scripts
“I intended to clarify the information. Correcting you in front of everyone felt embarrassing. I will ask privately next time.”
“I interpreted your silence as agreement. I understand now that you needed processing time. Next time I will ask and wait.”
“I think we are using the same word differently. What does it mean to you in this situation?”
Map a misunderstanding
Key takeaways
- Intent and impact can both be true.
- Specific repair is more useful than global shame.
- Clarify definitions and future behavior.
